Make your Days Count

That is my thought for today; make your days count. Make a difference in others lives each and everyday. Roger's mom called me last night and asked if I would write some memories I have of Roger so when his family get together on his birthday, August 13, they are going to read all the memories from the individual members. I did and what memories they are. I could only do a few or else I would have to write a book because there were so many. The memories that came to mind just made my heart and soul long for Roger in my life again. As I was choosing the memories to share, I truly realized what a difference he made in my life. I also realized that taking your spouse and your life with them for granted is an easy thing to do. I wish I could have cherished each moment I lived with Roger as much as I cherish the memories now. Roger thru his life has and still is teaching me to number my days and make my days count. I read today that it is not how long you live that counts, but how you live.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Perseverance

I am reading a Christian book called Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. The chapter I am reading today talks about perseverance. I never realized how hard that is to do when trials come into our lives. The trials I have had in my life before seem so much smaller now as I go thru this journey of living my life without Rogie. Perseverance is something I have to choose hourly. How does perseverance look, feel and act? How do I accomplish that in my life and how do I persevere? James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." First of all, I know I must keep my focus on the Lord. I know He has a plan for me. Second, I know at some point He wants me to not look back at the pain of losing Rogie but look ahead to my future, never forgetting my sweet hubby but to cherish the wonderful memories I have of our life together. I can't say that this trial has been pure joy but knowing that Jesus held me every step of the way and still is carrying me is pure joy. Looking to Him is pure joy. Knowing that some how this will all be worth it as long as I persevere. I know Roger's desire and mine was that people would come to know the Lord and to draw closer to Him thru this trial; that is pure JOY and IT IS WORTH IT!

The Touch

I was sitting here looking at my screen saver picture. It is our family picture that was taken in December. Roger has his arm around my waist. Oh, how I miss his touch. I miss so much about him; his laugh, his walking in the door from work saying the king is home, his calls during the day to see how I am doing, our prayer times together, our walks in the summer, our going to Jason's games and then stopping to get an ice cream cone, playing games together, him holding my hand as we watched TV together, going to church together, going out to eat together and his voice. Oh his voice. How quickly my mind has forgotten his tone. I hate that; it is so hard not to be able to remember his voice. As you can tell, I am having a missing Roger party by myself. Oops that is wrong! God must have known I needed someone to cry with. My sweet niece, Barb, just called and we cried together. She is my PEBBLE. She use to call herself my rock but we cry so much together that she has been given the title of pebble instead. I love when she calls because I know she allows me to cry and that she feels the same way and doesn't think that she cant't shed tears with me. Tears are so healing; the shortest verse in the Bible is Jesus wept. He wept tears of sorrow over the death of someone he loved, Lazurus. He wept even when He knew He would see his friend again because He would raise him from the dead. I weep over the death of someone I love and I know I will see him again, too. What a wonderful, joyous reunion that will be. Something to look forward to and then I will hear Roger's voice again and no longer forget the sound.

Be Still

Last night I ate dinner at my kitchen table. That may not seem like a big thing and may seem quite normal but for me it was a first without Roger. I usually eat in front of the TV to help pass that time of loneliness. Last night, I just needed to have that first not be a first anymore. As I sat there and was thinking while I ate, I remembered the movie Sixth Sense that was out many years ago. It was about a man that was killed but didn't know it. He thought he was still alive and tried to talk to his wife but she would not answer him because she could not see him or hear him. Now this movie goes against everything I believe. I believe Roger is in Heaven with Jesus and doesn't come back to be with me as the movie shows but last night as I sat there looking at Roger's chair in the kitchen, just for a moment, I allowed myself to think what if Roger is sitting in his chair talking to me and comforting me and I not know it. Okay, you might be thinking that I am really falling off the deep end; don't worry, I'm not! I know Roger is with me but not in the way the movie shows; he is with me always in my heart and in my memories. Another first, that is no longer a first and it was a good thing. Loneliness is a not a good feeling so I try to fill that part of my life with things to do like being gone, TV, reading, yard work, talking on the phone, games on the computer or others. Loneliness doesn't have to be a time that has to be filled with busyness; not all of the time. I have to take advantage of that time to fill it with more important comforts like spending time with the Lord. He is the lasting comfort; all the others never last. It was in the quiet of the night that Samuel (in the Bible) heard God's voice; he was quiet so he could hear the voice of God. How can I possible hear God speaking to me when I fill it with all the other worldly things that are only temporary. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "Be still and know I am God". I need to remember that and be reminded of that as I go thru my journey. Remembering that verse is not enough; I need to DO IT.

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

I was talking to someone very dear to me today. She said that God has a sense of humor. They are getting company tomorrow so they worked really hard last night on their yard so it would look nice for the company. Then the storm went thru this afternoon and a big branch from the neighbors cottonwood tree fell on their garage and their back yard looked like a war zone with leaves and branches all over. A tree in their yard also went down. So much for having their back yard looking nice for tomorrow. Was she upset? Not at all! She said because of Roger's journey she has learned not to sweat the small stuff. I was so blessed to hear how much Roger's journey has helped her to know what is important. Could there be others that don't sweat the small stuff because of Roger?

4th of July

I just got back from spending the long weekend with Jason and Carolyn in Land O' Lakes in Wisconsin. Her family had a reunion there. They all made me feel so welcome. I couldn't have felt more loved and cared for. It was so nice to be able to share with them stories of Roger in his last days. Some of us stayed in a lodge not to far from the lake home where we were going to be spending most of our days. I requesting having my own room which I knew would be hard but I needed to have the time to myself; I needed to do this as another first. I can't even explain the emotions I felt the first night there in the room by myself. As I layed in the bed, I reached out my hand to the side Roger would have been lying on and just left it there for awhile. For some reason that was a comfort for me. I didn't feel Roger's hand in mine but for some reason it gave me peace. It was as if Roger was saying, "Joycie, you can do this." I did and I was so blessed. This moring before we all went our own way, we had a devotion time that was led by Carolyn's Uncle Ed who is a missionary in Nigeria along with his wife, Wilma. During the devotional time he told us to look around at each person in the room because the next time we all get together again someone might not be there because we just don't know what tomorrow will bring. I am sure that spoke volumes to everyone since I was there without Roger. Tomorrow as you are with others, take sometime to look around and don't take those with you for granted and enjoy that time with them.

Winged Ants

Yep, that is what I woke up to this morning. There were hundreds on my bay window and yes they were inside! Then I looked at the fireplace hearth and it was full of those little sugar ants! I moved into action; got the vacuum and sucked those little buggers up. Then I would turn around and there was more! I went out side and sprayed under the window and on the outside grate of the fireplace and put out some ant poison on the hearth. I worked at church today so I thought when I came home it would be loaded again but thank the Lord it wasn't. Okay, so what am I suppose to learn from that little curve in the road? I do think Satan was getting in there to add more stress into my life but it didn't work. I have learned to take things as they come and not get stressed over the little things in life. It was just a little blip in my day but I still have my home and it looks like the ants are gone. Now ask me how I am doing if Satan decides to put mice in my basement; that may be another story!