Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Leaning and Trusting

I thankful it has been a year but the memories are so very hard. Thank you for my therapy session today This is the day a year ago that Roger had his biopsy and we were told it was terminal, stage 4 brain cancer. This was the day my world changed. My world was not only changing it seemed to be unraveling and there was nothing I could do about it. It was the day that I had to give Roger over to the Lord and His will. I wanted to fix it and make it all better. I wanted our life back the way it was. I wanted my husband back whole again. I cried, fell on my knees and pleaded with God to restore Roger. That day was like living in a nightmare that I just could not wake up from. It couldn't be happening to us! How could life change so drastically in a blink of an eye? How could our life go from being content and happy one day and full of pain and fear the next? It was a day I found out what the word "wailing" was. It came from the depth of my soul; it kept welling up with groans until reality took over and I needed to get up and leave that conference room with my family to go to my husband and reassure him that all will be well even when I felt otherwise.
When I saw him sitting in the bed eating his hamburger, all the reassurance I was going to give him, all the talk of God's will and all the smiles of trust went out the window. Roger was the strong one; the one who reassured me, the one who talked about God's will and the one who talked about trust. Now a year later, I look back and see that day was the hardest day of my life. I had to come to terms of Roger having terminal cancer and what that looks like for us. Where could I go for those answers? How would anyone be able to tell me what that means for Roger, myself and our family? Roger and I found those answers together in the Lord. The answer was "lean on Me and trust". I am still a year later leaning and trusting in the One who weeps with me, who holds me in his arms to comfort me and who leads me by His righteous right hand; my Savior, my all.

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